Anyone who has observed or studied human beings knows that there is a pecking order to every group, with the pack leader at the top, low man on the totem pole at the bottom, and everyone else fits in between, in some form of hierarchy. A common but little discussed dynamic within any group, is scapegoating. Who was cast in this role, in your family? Whoever it is, he was not picked randomly. Usually the ‘target’ is sensitive, unhappy, or vulnerable, and often was a ‘difficult’ child in the home. Someone who refused to stay silent, might be outspoken, or even a whistle blower. This person might be the youngest child- this person might be a Capricorn. It would be interesting to do a study on how the scapegoating dynamic may have precipitated addiction, how many addicts are the youngest sibling, and the percentage of Capricorn born addicts there are and how many of them are also the youngest sibling. I would love to see this phenomenon discussed in an recovery group and see just who, if anyone come forward to confirm or deny this notion.
First, some history on scapegoats; In biblical times, the scapegoat was an actual goat of which was cast out of the community, with the sins of the community ceremonially placed on the goat’s head. The scapegoat was the negativity sponge, the subject of hate, and the ultimate black sheep.
Although scapegoating is irrational and reflexive, not logical and conscious,where there is a scapegoat, there is most often a narcissist behind the scenes. In families, it is usually the mother or father who is the narcissist. The narcissist owns an incredibly sharp critical eye, and this is what happens when he bullies, verbally abuses, and casts into the role of the black sheep, his scapegoat:
• Your achievements are belittled, minimized, criticized and rejected.
• You are attacked and disbelieved if you tell the truth and ‘blow the whistle’ on negative and/or inappropriate family dynamics, or reveal dreaded family secrets.
• You may be held responsible for family conflicts, and be blamed for the action of others.
• You feel like the black sheep of the family (no one feels this way for nothing).
• You may well be the healthiest family member, but are always accused of being sick and bad.
• You might occupy the role of family outcast, and are treated with disdain or disgust by family, and maybe even by yourself.
• You find yourself consistently being accused of ‘only caring about yourself’, being thoughtless and selfish, and never ‘measuring up’ to expectations set, which you know couldn’t be further from the truth.
• You are held responsible for family problems, conflicts or challenges, even if they have nothing to do with you. Other people blame you for their actions. You may end up feeling a lot of shame for being ‘the bad guy’, and/or anger for being blamed for negative family dynamics.
• How does this fit in with addiction?
Sadly, when confronted about their behaviors, the perpetrators of scapegoating will probably deny their role, and become even more defensive and critical. They may treat you as if you are weird, inadequate or defective, which is again, not the truth, and in fact it’s more likely a lie that was created to prevent family members from acknowledging their own troubles, thereby avoiding taking responsibility for both their behavior and the need to change. Not only that, husbands or wives of scapegoated people, might unconsciously identify their victim spouses, and are often likely to join in, inadvertently, to the scapegoating behaviors. This is the empirical evidence folks, I do not make this stuff up. If this be your plight in life (addiction or not), keep this in mind;
• Stop trying to win the favor of abusive and uncaring family members. Anyone who engages in this type of inappropriate behavior has personality problems, especially a parent who did not love their child.
• Don’t expect abusive family members to apologize or make amends. They will likely blame you more if you attempt to hold them accountable.
• Assert your right to be treated with respect by the family members who have been bashing you as long as you can remember, by saying something like “The way you just spoke to me now is not acceptable, and I never want to be talked to like that again”, or “I will not respond to your criticism, belittling, accusations, or name calling- I’m hanging up the phone now, and you can call em back later when you are able to control your negative and destructive dialogue.”
• Figure out what you might be doing (either consciously or unconsciously) that gives hostile family members the idea that it’s OK to abuse you, and then try to determine how to change any behavior that draws you into the victim role. You may not have started out a victim, but you sure are one now.
Here are some non-conventional things you can do, for one who wants to break the bondage of being the family scapegoat;
• Use Lac Caninum when you feel you’ve bee treated like a dog, or lac Lac Humanum for sadness; despondency, dejection, mental depression, gloom,and melancholy.
• Try the Bach flower remedy called Pine, if you find yourself constantly apologizing and feeling guilty. You may have even accepted guilt for events that happened long before your birth – even going back to Adam and Eve.
Awareness leads to change. Break the cycle!! And be mindful of any family members whose birth order is last, born under the sigh of Capricorn. It is very likely that they are destined to becoming, yes you guessed it,the next scapegoat.